Thursday, 10 June 2010

Goals and the reason for my missing persistence (beware slightly depressing and loong post)

Hey there.

Thanks for all of your lovely comments and thanks for following me, Sherry. I'm slowly making progress with my resolutions, I didn't skip a meal so far, but getting rid of the snacking takes some more time. (Does eating fresh fruit count as snacking? And what about sugar free chewing gum? Hot chocolate from the vending machine? Eating quinoa in front of the fridge at 2AM, probably does.) I'm also a bit better with finishing tasks. And I'm still free of nasal spray, nearly 3 weeks now! (Due to the blooming poplar it looks like it's snowing [beautiful, since it's warm and the sidewalks don't turn to "Icewalks"], but I have to use my asthma spray nearly every damn day[´§%"§%$=°/&F*ck§$&$//&%]!) "Anyway mini success celebration: Wohoo, yeah, yeah, yeah."

The uncomfortable part starts here!
So yesterday I've got the (horrible) test results back from my "map finding test". The psychologist and I talked quite a while about solutions. One of them would be to move out today. And not looking back. During this conversation I nearly broke down crying (at first I didn't realize it, because I had to fight the impulse to giggle hysterically. Ugh.)

My main problem is that I've got tons of ideas and goals, but I don't pull them through or fight for them, because I'm afraid of the consequences and making mistakes or don't getting it right at the first time. Funnily enough, I've always thought that we are responsible for our lifes, only I never acted on it in my own life.

I thought a lot about my behaviour and life after this conversation. And I've come to the realization that it's time to fight for MY life and goals. I don't know if I've told you, but one of my goals was to have more sport medals than my childhood friend C. She laughed at me when I told her that my goal is to finish the Ironman Hawaii, so I cut the contact afterwards (there was another reason too, but this was the last drop that brought the bucket to overflow), I get that from my mom everyday, I don't need a "friend" to do it too. Since then I don't have contact to her anymore and I don't know how many medals she had, so I have set a new goal. I want to finish 100 races and therefore own one hundred finisher medals. (At least. Muahahah.)Do you get medals for aquabike and how about just cycling races?

Other goals of mine that I formulated in the last few hours:
Jobwise: I want to lead an international team and work all over the world (excluding Siberia, Iran and some other countries where it's too warm for me, we've got 77,7° F with high humidity and I hate it! Give me Scotland any day!) and make a real positive impact. I want to earn so much money that I can easily buy an Audi A3 with 160 PS (or an Audi R8, if it comes with free gas XD) and shop for shoes or clothes or books or vacations in every price category, whenever I feel like it.
Body: First I want to get rid of the fat. I want a healthy body, that is abled to finish the Ironman and is free of allergies and asthma. I want to eat healthy and delicious every damn day.
Miscellaneuos: I want a dog. A Boston Terrier or a French Bulldog or a Weimaraner, a white Boxer would be fine too.

How to get to my goals? First: I plan the strategies and the first steps on the way to my goals. Secondly: I do the necessary steps. Thirdly: PERSIST!

Until now, I mostly stopped when I had to act or persist. I'm not used to persist or fight for my goals or boundaries, it never payed off for me! The reason? Well, when I was a kid and even now I never just got a "Well done" or "Good Job", it was always: "yeah, you did that but you got bad marks in ..." or "How did that happen? It must have been a fluke!" When I got my engineering diploma my parents didn't congratulate, they just said "It's about time, now find a job" and you know what? When I started studying engineering, they thought that I would throw in the towel after 6 months! My parents still treat me like a little child, or do you think it is normal that my Dad tells me every morning the temperature and to dress accordingly, meaning I have to dress how HE thinks I should? And even though my mom has no clue how I am at work, she thinks she knows and tells me everytime I find an interesting job offer, that I'm not good enough for it. And to top it off she tells me that I'm fat (I'm the thinnest of the girls of my family generation!) and makes fun of me on a big family gathering because I'm not in a relationship. Oh yeah and my grandma thinks I'm a loser too, because I don't have a boyfriend. Hell, I'm the only one of her grandchildren with an Abitur and a university degree, but it doesn't matter. As long as I don't have boyfriend, I'm nothing. (I was even thinking of booking an escort for one of the family gatherings, just for getting it over and done with.)

That's why (not for the escort) the psychologist told me to set boundaries and gave me strategies to implement them. She also said I should move to a friend until I find a job. Unfortunately that isn't an option at the moment, since all of my friends in Leipzig either have kids or a cat and I'm allergic to cat hair (and kids;-). This was the reason why I nearly started crying. You know, a few years back when my friends didn't have children and wanted me to come to Leipzig more often, they gave me selfmade gift certificates on my birthday "for staying a few days at their place when I'm in town"!!! Go figure!

Okay, enough crap and wallowing in self pity. Todays elle uk horoscope is pretty nice: Guess what comes back today, Virgo? That’s right, it’s a nice dose of hope. Even if the last few days have been rather challenging, you are probably able to access a bit of inner strength and the ability to shore up your resources. If you don’t quite feel it, just fake it ‘til you make it.

And since I have an appointment for the assessment center preparation with the psychologist (She works for a funded organization, which offers one-on-one-training, help with applications, language classes [don't need them:D] and this map-finding.) today, there is a good chance that I get the advice I need to get through the tests and even the psychological ones unscathed and get to the next stage and finally signing the contract for Super Job (which is still on offer, hahaha, they are waiting for ME, MOI, MICH.). Good thing, Friday the 18th is my lucky day, too.

And as a thanks for reading this long, me on Tuesday, before my parents got back from their week in Paris.

In any case my new motto (stolen from Nike ;-) is:

I'm thinking of getting it as lovely tattoos on my wrists.



  1. And FOURTH... lots and lots of patience. :-) It does take a while to build up the necessary skills/endurance to do decently in this sport, but it sounds like you've got a great plan on how to get there. Just take it slow and be happy with the itty, bitty things that you'll notice. Eventually those small things will lead to much larger accomplishments (like perhaps racing in Hawaii).

    I can't fault you for cutting contact with someone who doesn't believe in you. At this stage in our lives, the negative energy is absolutely not worth it. You'll find positive support along the way from others who share the same goals and dreams (like those of us posting on your blog).

    Oh... and medals... yep, you'll get them. Probably lots of finisher medals at first and then maybe some podium medals at local races and then maybe something here and there at bigger races (the competition gets very keen). Many road (running) races give out medals like candy. You could race a 5K every other weekend and start collecting hardware as many will give awards 5 deep in age group. Since the races are usually on the small side, you have a great chance of capturing one!

  2. I have lots to say, but am rushed this am. Deal with the big stuff first. You get to decide what the big stuff is, but I'd suggest that a job that pays enough to let you move out of your parent's house is the total first priority. Then move out of your parent's lives and into your own. Until that happens, all else is fluff, window dressing, and emotional bandaids. You can move from job to job and work your way up to world domination or any other job goals that come to you along the way. Sorry to be so brutal about it, but like I say, I'm too rushed to dress it up. Good luck.

  3. I like this post, full of energy in my opinion

    First, aquabikes do have medals, sometimes you get 2, one for finishing, one for poduim. Cycling, I only seen it once at a race.

    I dont blame you about cutting ties with "your friend", me, personally, I use it as fuel to my fire, to prove people wrong, so show I can do what I set out to do. The nay-sayers are the full reason why I do triathlons.

    I found this quote along time ago, right at the beginning of my triathlon career, printed it and posted it in my tri cave, to look at everyday. but I want to share it with you,

    "The nobodies of the world... Got no business being a somebody? There are winners and there's everyone else. "You wanna be a winner, champ? Dream on.". I've been told this all my life, been told this is the truth. The truth?? Here it is straight from the horses mouth... "You ain't somebody till you stop being nobody."

    You choose.
    Yeah, YOU
    Your dream.
    Your goal.
    Your choice.

    So be the somebody nobody expected you to be.

    Start something...."